Loving and dedicated parents in our community are struggling to stop their children from diving into an abyss of risky behaviors. Many of them face disrespectful attacks and blame for their children's actions. At the “Because I Love You” (BILY) meeting, parents can share poignant sentiments about their struggles.

BILY is a free, weekly support group for parents experiencing painful conflicts with their children of all ages. This article highlights how the group helps parents navigate their challenges.

At a recent BILY meeting, a mother of a 16-year-old daughter, holding back tears, exclaimed, “I can’t trust her; she’s lying about everything, but I need to show her the love I feel.” On the Zoom screen, a pair of grandparents joined from their car, having just left their home to escape the relentless demands of their 35-year-old alcohol-abusing grandson. Later, a single dad and longtime BILY member proudly reported a positive turnaround in his 21-year-old daughter’s life. He had shifted from being overprotective to allowing her to learn from her mistakes, providing loving support as a resource. These snippets reflect the diverse experiences of parents at BILY.

In a recent edition of the San Clemente Journal, Publisher Don Kindred discussed the concept of a “third place” outside of home and work life—a space that offers friendship and safety. BILY serves as this “third place” for parents. While it is not a substitute for professional mental health help, it provides a confidential, safe haven where members can receive empathy, support, education, and guidance for new strategies, regardless of the severity of their issues. In urgent situations, BILY prioritizes safety and directs parents to emergency resources.

Parents often express confusion, saying, “We have been a pretty normal family, and I just don’t understand how this happened.” They wonder if their children are simply going through a tough transition or if underlying mental health conditions or substance addictions require appropriate treatment. The delicate balance between helping someone who rejects assistance and maintaining personal boundaries for safety is a complex dilemma.

BILY’s unique approach encourages parents to make emotional and behavioral shifts within themselves as a step toward helping their children. A primary goal is to increase peace in their homes. Many parents are surprised to learn that “fixing” their child is not the main purpose; instead, they discover that changing themselves is more effective. Often, children are surprised to find their parents seeking help for themselves, even when those children are adults.

The group is peer-led by volunteers who have experienced similar family stress and found help through BILY. The cornerstone of the group is a set of ten guiding principles that emphasize communication, empathy, respect, love, boundaries, choices, and consequences (not punishment). These principles are read at the start of each meeting, and parents identify which one feels most relevant to their situation.

Next, the meeting includes a quick check-in to gauge stress levels, with parents rating their current situation on a scale of 1 to 5. A ‘one’ indicates they are doing well, while a ‘five’ signifies extreme stress. Parents also share one or two words to describe their feelings. Leaders interact with each family individually, and new members often observe before speaking, with no pressure to share. It’s common for parents to report a decrease in their stress levels by the end of a meeting.

Parents are encouraged to reflect on the positive qualities of their children and identify characteristics that need reinforcement. When developing new strategies, BILY recommends making small changes to alter ineffective patterns. For instance, parents learn that confronting unacceptable behavior during heated moments is often counterproductive. Instead, they can process their feelings first and communicate with empathy, saying, “I need to think about a consequence and get back to you.” 

BILY emphasizes the importance of clear and simple communication, especially during emotional moments. Parents are encouraged to reiterate short messages, such as “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and to walk away if necessary, stating, “This is not a good time; we’ll talk later.” While it may seem that younger family members are not listening, many eventually notice and respond positively to these changes.

There are not many BILY groups available because it takes a parent who has benefited from the program to start a new group. The original BILY began in Granada Hills, CA, in 1982, founded by Dennis Poncher, who sought a more empathetic alternative to the Tough Love approach. 

In San Clemente, Gina Sisca Hazlett established a non-profit organization to oversee BILY, which now includes meetings in Encinitas and a Spanish-speaking group in San Juan Capistrano. It takes special talent, skill, energy, and heart to manage an endeavor like BILY. Gina and her volunteer leader team strive to help parents feel safe, comfortable, and successful in making changes, drawing from their own experiences.

BILY volunteers are profoundly touched to witness changes in parents, often within just a few weeks, as they create a sense of peace in their homes.